Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.