Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?