Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My dad is at it again
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.