I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.