Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
as is their right
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.