If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
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Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.