[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?