I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them