I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The news is so predictable nowadays
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!