I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.