To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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Pizza is an emotion right?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Not today. 😅
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.