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In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
This 4th of July, please remember…
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.