Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.