[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Ghost costume 😂
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on