[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.