Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..