when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
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Imma just leave this here…………
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
lol