FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
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I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
This made me smile…
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I’m not stressed
#CatsOnTwitter
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?