[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Lmao
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.