I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.