Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.