[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
is this a warning or an offer?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
#Caturday
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”