I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
hi why am I like this
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.