you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
“I’m helping” 😅
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.