This is hilarious….
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
In space, no one can hear…
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies