Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
OH. COME. ON.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.