Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Trying
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.