Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
NASA has no chill
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: