Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
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If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Great acting.. 😂
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
won’t smith