My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?