Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
early stone age tool
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what