My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download