I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.