I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*