[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*