GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)