My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”