Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.