Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.