dream blunt rotation
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Can. I. Help. You.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.