Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”