if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good