It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
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Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.