doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
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a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.