Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”