Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.