If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Facebook memories be like
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot