If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
So we got a goldfish…
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.