I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
There is no try. There is only give up.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way