Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
We have a winner.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”